I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I use my feet as sexual weapons
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
