I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
