Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
