In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
