Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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