Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
