i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
