Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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