last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
