im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
