omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
