I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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