My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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