I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
