I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
