I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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