If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
