i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
