Well douche your snatch and let's go!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
