hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Welp...herpes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
