I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
