last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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