so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
