Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
