There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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