I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
