Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
