I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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