She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I touched a dick in church today
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
