Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
