the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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