do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
