whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
