my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
