Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
