once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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