I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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