the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
