I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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