i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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