i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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