After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
