i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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