I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
