We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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