How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
