sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
