I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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