he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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