im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
