I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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