Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
