Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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