I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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